* Friday, May 23
246`fragility of life.
sanctuary: seeking solace in the dark silent night
im feeling: gloomy
feel very down all of a sudden. dont know why either. just a feeling of despondence sadness melancholy whatsoever. my heart goes out to the victims of the Si Chuan earthquake, as well as the people in Myammar who were hit by cyclone. catastrophes following one another: is the world coming to an end? after all these devastation, whats left? fears that can never really be allayed; pain that never ever dulls; hearts that never could heal/mend completely; memories that would never ever fade out; nightmares that would last all of a lifetime. its like an eternal scar, and its one that stabs deep and leaves an excruciating pain, one that leaves an ugly looking scab at that. the ones who are alive, the ones who were left behind. all truly, you have my deepest condolences. may all the dead rest in peace.
i've decided- i'll make a donation. although it would just be a very meagre amount, but every little dollar counts. if everyone donates a small amount, it would eventually make up a bigger amount. and its going to help. i believe so.
having known such disasters happening in the world makes one reflect. we Singaporeans are lucky to be 'safe' from such natural disasters because of our geographical location. protected by our neighbouring countries and the like. and watching the news reports put me in quite a sullen mood. and i feel guitly, because over here in our side, we are happily living our lives. enjoying our luxury treats, going for spas/facials/saunas/massages, spending truckloads of money on buying designer items or flashy diamonds and jewellery or flaming cars, and all. but look at just what the victims are going through? dooms day would arrive, soon. thats what i think. some really awful disaster would hit the earth, and wipe out the entire living population. 世界末日. human beings animals plants insects, all would die. and maybe, i actually hope for it to happen. to me of course. just make it an instantaneous death though. really. maybe.
~~
something else is gnawing at my heart. apart from all these ruination going around. something entirely different. but still, it makes me feel like im the greatest sinner. and somehow, i think i always end up feeling like this quite often. (too often than i'd like) which inevitably puts me into an emotional wreckage. i dont want to feel this way. surely i have enough things about myself that i dislike. but well, whats new i guess.
am i wrong for being this way? i simply want to be me. but in the end i think i dont really know who i am. sometimes i feel no one would ever understand me. but then again, not even i know for sure who i am myself. so how are others supposed to know? what exactly do i want? i feel like im going around in circles. and i think im really too cold sometimes. too cold for anyone at all. maybe im too selfish, i dont know how to give. im too apathetic. im too unfeeling. im too weird. im too different. im too difficult to handle. im too demanding. im too unsatisfied. im too materialistic. im too emotional. im totally too distant. i need too much freedom. and i really think im a porcupine. i'd hurt every single one who comes close to me. either that, or im just in fact a devil in disguise. i am the untouchable.
when would my death come? i often wonder. this seemingly familiar thought would always creep into my mind. how would i die? death would take all the pain away. let it come soon. im tired. too tired. i want to give it all up. hurt to heal. but theres always this wound(s) that wouldnt go away. no matter how long its been.
and i miss you finally.
so, to conclude: im a very very very morbid person. as you may have already known.
* Wednesday, May 7
245`picture post!
for a long time i couldnt sign into this space. and havent been actively using it now that i can sign in either. so, i shall do a picture post today!
2007 Christmas
Kenny Rogers Feast!
Billy Bombers Waffle!
RAWR!!!!!!!!!~
High fever on my 20th birthday. LOL
* Friday, May 2
244`partner
partner partner partner, dont be down.. tag on my tagboard here. i will come and see often and reply you de4. paiseh i cant make the tagboard for your blog. shall try again.. HEH:)
