* Friday, November 10
169`somewhere only we know
what are human beings really? the largest proportion of the living things maybe. but one might ask, are we truly the best, the smartest? i certainly beg to differ. for i feel humans are the most discontented lot amongst all beings.
why are we all so disgruntled? why are we all so unhappy? so troubled, and all? what are we exactly so dissatisfied with about our lives.
humans are greedy. too greedy that is. the most greedy of the lot of beings. thats why most of us would be discontented. we ask too much; think too little. often we take upon ourselves as beings superior to say animals. but is that really so? if humans were to be not so greedy, would the world be a better place then? or just let us go to somewhere only we know?
maybe im right- melancholy has got to me yet again. but the funny thing is i dont take a negative view towards it. perhaps i even welcome the feel of it. like its part of me, lost once, but found again. although i dont know if its a good thing, nor do i know whether it would be here to stay. but until my heart can truly state its worth towards this long-time fiend of mine, i'd like for it to stay.
because its much easier this way than having to wear so many thousand masks every single second. i hate to face the world i dont like to go out. only because i dont wanna have to wear so many thousand layers of mask and stand thr smiling laughing feeling so alienated every single second. because i dont like to plaster a fake smile on my lips and face. because i dont like to display my emotions so lucidly. because i like to keep a straight face. and i dont really like communication at large. because i have nothing much to say at all. and i dont have so much reserves to tap on to have to burn my cells to think of ways to communicate. and i dont like the feeling of having pairs of eyes boring into me. whether kind or unkind. and i dont like to mix with people much. even my family can be too much of a hassle for me at times. i much prefer the quietness the peace. the tranquility. i like having the whole space to myself. and although the quietness can be so deafening at times, i'd still rather this than noise. cause the noise is too much for me to handle. so i say silence is better. like at night i dont sleep and i just stare into space or watch the night go by. taking in every single noise in the silent night. not restless but ever so watchful. and know why i dont like going out and to stay at home? cause home is the only place whr i can allow my guard to lax a little. cause i dont feel like im ready to take on the whole world. in that little room of mine, with much fondness, its been my place of solace, allowing me to vent my pent up emotions. the walls are my best friend, cause they wont speak. and my secrets are safe with them. just as with my stuffed stufx. smokey the cat; and my 2 heart cushions; and my green square cushion; and the white rectangular pillow; and my regular pillow. stars which surround me my 4stars; polaris. my wind chime. its these little things that allow me to breathe a little. songs and quotes which i find a place in; pics which i could damn well relate to.
its always that few songs which make you breakdown no matter how many times you've listened to it. those verses of quotes which aches your heart no matter how many times you've read it. the only thing is it doesnt matter what hurt it does to you, you still just have to listen to it and read it over and over and over and over again. just to feel it all over again. to make yourself whole again. like the scar heals a little, but you rip the wound open just to feel.
我还能奢求什么，这样的我又是多么可悲。。。
*end note* i dont know what set me to write such a immensely sad piece. but thats what my mind wants to tick, and my hands want to type. so yea. and i wanna get back to writing a diary. literally. physically. we'll see.
