* Wednesday, April 12
*warning* its all such a big mess in this entry. one part saying my depressed, the other im all fine. lmao! its like random thoughts and i just pluck whatever i feel and type my ass of it. so yea.. its a huge contradiction on my part. :p
im just feeling a bit off mood now. hmms, due to having 'witnessed' my sec school friend's change.. i mean its a good one la.. but it made me think i was the one who withdrew everything from my life? like i was getting more of a recluse each day.. and now she's become stronger in comparison.. and im so much paler that way.. it doesnt sit so well with my ego? okay, not ego. but just something. i dont know what. hahas..
i was the strong girl.. i am still one now.. but fact is i only hide beneath my masks and cower behind my shell.. what people see are only facade. its all a guise.. to hide and mask my uneasiness, my fears, my flaws, my apprehensiveness towards people or situations or unfamiliar things.. outside, im the big girl- knowing everything, being sensible (enough), know when to say and do the right things, being ever so strong, brave and tough. but maybe i dont wanna be all that at all? maybe im just so tired of all this bullshit, all i wanna do is to cut away the pain? maybe i just want to be someone my age. somewhr between adolescent. be how others my age would actually be? my life seems to be so picture perfect, but is it even somewhr remotely near it? yar, "the only things people can ever know about you are the ones you let them see." so, i never ever let ppl see the true me. my true life. lalala~ someone ever told me, or asked me rather. she said how come it seems like your life is so perfect? like no problems lidat.. hohos.. oh yea.. ive never had problems in my life.. i WISH. lmao! okay, im drifting?
who actually knows the insider? "so many assume; so little know." thats a nice phrase you know. ive got at least a dozen phrases so suited for this situation. lmao! and im like gonna throw in a few maybe. lOls..
so, yar.. the reason i dont want to go out? i dislike the fact that i have to take the trouble getting ready, dressed, primmed. then travel to the place. lOls.. if only we had instant dressing up and then teleporting. cool ehh? and i was never at ease being alone outside. for some warped reason, i feel that everyones staring at me for being alone. or like im sticking out like some sore thumb. yes, i never feel comfortable being in a massive crowd. scares the hell out of me. im afraid of crowds la pls.. a small crowd and i go omgosh. lmao. yes, perhaps i fear people in general. maybe i mildly autistic. (whats the actual term?) i shun people. out of fear and anxiety. cause i tend to distrust people. a lot. thats why i dont even tell people anything at all? lols.. yea, give me a novel a vcd dvd show tv mags newspapers anytime and ill gladly not go out. haas..
dysthymia, the scientific term they call it. haas.. another form of depression, but not that bad. lOls.. i know i cant carry on like this, and im not the only one feeling this way. but hey, ill take time(longtime) to get out of this thing. but oh well, ill never be not alright. cause the cheryl/jiawen can take on anything. anything at all. throw anything in the way and ill still survive that all. =]
to others, i will seem like im a tough girl. im brave. im strong. i am.. really. but i have my weak moments too? and all i need is for someone who actually knows somethings wrong even when i have my biggest smile plastered on my face? someone to tell me im not okay even when i tell the world im alright?
shit, i sound sooo freaking emo in this entry. bahhh~ so not good. =(
i really want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all. maybe im just tired of acting so strong.
or, maybe i just want that strong girl back. i need it. so now, i will do something. like erhh.. well, ill think of that.. but to quote my friend: 'if you wanna have fun you must be daring and sociable right?' okay, lol.. so ill be more extroverted? whatever.. lols.. thats something to think of some other time. lmao! procrastinator didnt i say myself as?
but yes. i did promise myself. "i want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken and the one who could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own." so i WILL be THAT girl. =) so yes, i will get over.
and im fine already. hahas.. after ranting for such a long page. i shall rest my case. cause i need to sleep and shop tmr with eil! lmao! nights all
